Thoughts on Love and Happiness

Very few days go by that I don’t think about what makes us, humans, happy. Some event, or interaction, or story, song, movie, or social media post make me think. Happiness seems to be something that is so sought after, but seems to be elusive, and rare. My question is why are we or are we not happy, and more specifically, how do we find happiness?

I know much of what I do in life is influenced by my desires to live happily. From the foods I eat, to the amount of time I spend training my body, the quality of sleep I gift myself each night, even the time I am willing to trade to work for money. However, one of the daily factors I feel is most important to me, the one that creates the most happiness in my life—yet is sometimes the most overlooked factor—is being loved, by Jessica, by my family, and my select group of friends. Not just being loved, but being able to reciprocate that love with someone else by loving them back equally with little imbalance. Even the love of a friendship should be balanced, where both parties give and take equally. More on that later.

There are very few people I have ever met or heard of who do not innately desire to be loved at the core of who they are. I’ve met tough guys who act like they don’t need love, but after digging deeper their life story contains one common denominator—love. Whether that love comes from a person, or even from an animal; whether that love is intimate, or a best friend type of love, we all need some kind of love in our lives. I say this because I believe happiness has the power to change our lives forever, for better or for worse. Love is like an equation. Whatever it is for each of us individually (such as time, things: car, house, phone, good health, hobbies: music, collecting, movies, etc.) that we think make us happy, are complimented by, if not completed with love. Happiness = love + ____. I believe complete happiness begins at the heart, and everything else comes secondarily.

Love—or a lack thereof—is all around us, and it doesn’t hide itself. Listen to the radio for a few minutes and most songs relate to love or alcohol, the coping method for those without. Even with an entire genre of romance movies and TV shows almost every movie deals with love in various forms.  I know too many people who “go out” at night in search of love, or attention, to feel desired. Likewise, and this may not be everyone, but most of us use social media to attract attention and feel wanted or loved, whether we mean to or not, or express our desires to be loved and love. Have a conversation with the elderly and it won’t take long to see how critical relationships were to the course of their life. Have you seen the divorce rates in America recently? I know too many people who are running away from love or trying to find it. It can make someone’s life great, but it can also ruin them if they allow it to. Living life heart broken, unwanted, confused, or alone can change the course of your destiny.

As Abraham Lincoln put it, “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” My advice follows. When it comes to living a lifestyle of happiness, make sure that trustworthy love is checked off. This can mean friendships, this can mean significant others, even animals. Having the peace of mind that you are loved, and have someone to love back (even on a small scale) will give you the freedom to enjoy life the life you deserve without feeling empty. Make sure that your relationships are balanced, are you putting a significant amount of your time or making more sacrifices to maintain your relationship than the other side? How much time are you dedicating to your relationships? The amount of time put in should be proportional to the amount of happiness and love you get back, maybe it is time to downsize and go for quality over quantity of friendships. If you know you are in a relationship that is not good for you, leave. Maybe you are holding onto all of your guy/girl friends and social media because you don’t want to commit everything to your significant other… if so, do them a favor and end your relationship before they get hurt. 

The feeling of security with all of our relationships is critical, it is the foundation upon which we have the power to enjoy the rest of life. Once you find that love, never let it go, invest into it, trust it, respect it, guard it. If you find love, happiness will find you.

Not Enough Time In The Day? Try These 3 Steps

Problem: There is not enough time in the day to do everything I want to do

When we say we don’t have time for something what we are really saying is that we don’t value that thing as much as we value something else, that it is not a priority.

Stop saying I don’t have time for XY&Z and MAKE time for it… I hear this quite often, as I’m sure you do. I’ve tried this, a lot, but for some reason I just can’t MAKE more time for the things I feel like I am supposed to do. After all, there are only 24 hours in a day. Usually, at least when I hear MAKE time, I think, work harder and faster, eat faster or on the go, sleep less, multi task to make more time. This form of making more time is not sustainable and will leave us deprived and burnt out both mentally and physically. So, rather than saying “MAKE time for things,” I like to say, “clear up time” for those things. Essentially, prioritize the things we value in life. This starts by defining what we value. For Jessica and I this means quality time together, quality food, learning, and exercise that keeps our minds and bodies healthy for life (not just the present), enriching our lives with meaningful conversations, and being a part of our families. Pretty simple. What do you value in life? Start by thinking of the things that truly make you love life and have a greater purpose than yourself.

Re-wire your brain: MORE ≠ MORE…LESS = MORE… The more things we have, the more responsibility we have

Responsibility is a great learning tool, and it is important. However, it should not be abused. One of the easiest ways to clear up time is to pin point and then eliminate excess in our life. For me this means being deliberate with social media and electronic use. It has been over a year since I deleted my Facebook account, and although I share one with Jessica now, not having one has been liberating. I am not saying you should go and delete yours now, but think about using it consciously, and how many friend’s posts you really want to scroll through while surfing Facebook. I got tired of seeing only the pictures and stories of people who either wanted improve their image and make others envious, or to complain about why their life isn’t great instead of taking action. This is an easy way to clear up time and for most, a huge distraction.

While a student, I did as much as I could and tried out every organization I could get into. I also had more clothes than I could ever fit in my dorm room dressers, and talked a lot about doing big things rather than DOING them. I started to realize that my health (big value) was not what I spent most of my time improving. Rather, I spent all of my time doing what everyone in the organizations I was a part of wanted me to do, always squeezing things into my day whenever possible to try and get more done. Every semester I would go home from school and realize I wasn’t taking care of my body, and that I didn’t need all of the clothes or things I thought I did. By my third year, I made the decision that in order to give quality to the organizations I was a part of, I had to give some of them up. This helped me focus on what I valued… The less I had to divide my focus, the better I could focus on quality… having less became more. Now, my goal is to be a better Vaughn than I was the day before, to be the best Vaughn I can be, and it starts by creating the time to give quality and live quality. I challenge you to do the same.

Do the things in your life produce more positives than they do negatives?

For example, Jessica and I adopted a cat we named Kitty. While both of us are busy and have work or studying to do, we now have the added responsibility of taking care of Kitty. The other night, she peed somewhere she wasn’t supposed to and got us both riled up right before bed which made it hard for us to relax and fall asleep, not to mention we lost some sleep too and have linens that smell like cat pee. Thoughts of keeping Kitty flashed through my head shamefully. What if we didn’t have Kitty? We definitely wouldn’t have had to clean up any pee, or gotten upset, and most likely would have gone to bed quite calm and slept well. But, if we didn’t have Kitty we wouldn’t get to enjoy her snuggling on us while we are trying to study or rolling around on the foam roller, laugh as she chases flies around and eats them, or smile as she plays with our shoe strings to try and stop us from leaving her. My point here is that we love Kitty, we forgave her, and we appreciate the company and happiness she brings to our home, even if there is a small price to pay. Kitty adds more value to our home than she takes. Although she is an added responsibility for us, Kitty’s positives outweigh her negatives.  While thinking about the things you value in life, figure out what is holding you back from spending more time on those values.

Are there things in your life that are chronically more negative than positive, relationships, work, even? Do the things, people, and time spent add value to your life? Are these things, people, and time spent essential to your happiness and well-being? We have a small apartment, but we keep it quaint and homey. We have minimal excess clothing and shoes, just enough dishes, just enough counter space, floor space etc… But still, it seems that there are so many things to be done, to keep up with, it sometimes makes me wonder if we still have too much or how others do it. Some of that time is well spent, many of our things do add value to our lives, however, I’m guessing there is a lot of “cleaning up” to do for all of us.

Alright Vaughn, I just want to know how to clear up time!

To summarize everything into three steps, do this:

1. Take ACTION.

Don’t be afraid to create changes in your life or take a risk. Get out of the talking phase and enter the DOING phase. Write down your values and remove significant time spent elsewhere. ACTION is the only thing that can prove motivation. I want you to think back through your last week and how you spent the majority of your time each day. Most of us probably spent the majority of our time doing things we weren’t happy doing. For some of us, we might just need to have a better attitude, but for others, it’s time to take action. Talk to your boss about that raise, end that crappy relationship, put in your two weeks notice, limit your social media use and remove “obligatory” friends, downsize your home, donate old clothes or household items, spend more time with positive friends, stop living with crappy roommates, start eating right, exercising, make a tough decision because it is the right thing for YOU, start a new chapter in your life, do you have a dream?

“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great” – Zig Ziglar.

2.  Be A MINIMALIST

This goes hand in hand with taking action. My favorite minimalist blogs are Zen Habits and The Minimalists, which I highly recommend reading! To be a minimalist, first closely examine how much time you spend doing things like scrolling through social media, watching TV, cleaning up weekly piles of stuff, commuting to work, spending time with negative people, having meaningless conversations, getting ready to “go out” and dressing up to impress, or even going out and drinking excessively with friends because “it is cool.” Then, if it is not making you or your environment better, get rid of it. Clean up the junk in your life, the excess, and the superficial. Take action.

On a side note: don’t take this the wrong way, but I feel that most of us who go through great lengths to pamper ourselves in the bathroom getting dressed up, whether male or female, are attempting to make ourselves look better than we naturally are. My guess is however, that the cumulative time we spend in the bathroom or picking out clothes to improve our image could have been spent on a quick workout which ultimately would improve our image more so, and at the same time, our health and confidence. Fashion has its place, and having style is great, but I believe too much time is spent worrying about superficial things that include covering up who we really are and what we look like. Quality food, fitness and sleep are what we need more of, not clothes, and not cosmetics. Minimizing the things in your life is better than adding more to an already overflowing schedule.

3. FOCUS On Your Values

Now, you can FOCUS on improving yourself and your environment. You started by defining your values, then took actions that promote your health and happiness, minimized distractions, bad relationships, and excess stuff. Now, focus on what you need to accomplish today, on putting your values first, on becoming the best YOU. Remember, the easiest thing in the world is to be distracted. Focus.

Solution? Take ACTION, be a MINIMALIST and FOCUS.

What three things do you value the most? What is keeping you from spending time on them? What other steps do you use to clear up time? What changes have you made to live a life of value and meaning? What was the hardest part? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below!

Can you look yourself in the mirror each morning and say you are a better you than the day, week, year before?

Live your values,

Vaughn

How To Perfect Your Sleep In 10 Steps

Sleep is generally underrated. I love sleep though, as I’m sure most of you do!

For some reason, it seems that sleep is the first thing that is “given up,” as if it were a luxury. Sleep is not a luxury; it is a necessity.  Nearly every bodily function revolves around the quality and quantity of sleep our body receives.  Let’s  put on our thinking caps and go back to the basic necessities of life… what do you think you need to survive in order of importance?

1. Air
2. Water
3. Sleep
4. Sustenance

In order to survive, these basic needs must be met.  Generally, we can survive for 3 minutes without air, 3-4 days without water, between 8-11 days without sleep and probably three times that without food.  According to this Dec 2013 Gallup Poll, 40% of Americans are getting less than the recommended amount of sleep each night, an average of 6 hours and 48 minutes compared to an average of 7 hours and 50 minutes in 1942.  Yet, while the recommended amount of sleep each night has been established as 7-8 hours of sleep, I believe this is subjective to each individual person and the quality of their sleep.  I believe we should not only focus on the amount of sleep, but the quality of our sleep.  The Gallup Poll did find that 67% of those receiving less than 6 hours of sleep and 45% of those receiving 7 hours of sleep would feel better if they received more as opposed to a mere 13% of those receiving 8 hours of sleep!  Additionally, according to Elizabeth Kolbert’s essay in the New Yorker, the time that we report spent “asleep” inaccurately represents the actual time we spend sleeping.  The author stated that while she had been in bed for 6 hours and 42 minutes, the hypnograph reported she had actually only slept for 4 hours and 2 minutes.  Apparently she woke up 141 times during the night, sometimes for random 15 second chunks and spent the last hour awake.  So, the quantity of our sleep is critical, but the quality should not be overlooked.

My question is… why are Americans only sleeping 6 hours and 48 minutes on average?

Is it because we want more hours in a day to accomplish more, study for an exam, hang out with our friends or family?

Here’s a quick list of things I came up with on the top of my head that keep most of us from getting adequate, restful sleep:

1. Procrastination- we know we could go to bed but we would rather relax and watch TV
2. Unaware, naïve or ignorant– to the negative effects of sleep deprivation
3. Poor time management skills– we have so many things going on that we can’t stay organized
4. Lack of a routine or habit- our circadian rhythm is a cycle that can get thrown off
5. Blue light from technology– after the sun sets, blue light inhibits melatonin production
6. Mental stimulation- cannot keep songs, memories, ideas, occurrences that day out of head
7. Productivity– wanting to be more productive & accomplish more
8. Alcohol- while it may seem to help us fall asleep, it is not restorative and disrupts the quality of sleep
9. Caffeine– drinking too much coffee, energy drinks etc. before bed
10. Room temperature- is your room too warm?
11. Exercising- within an hour of sleep or a lack of exercise all together
12. Darkness– a lack of darkness in your bedroom or before bed
13. Insomnia- this may be subjective
14. Anxiety– upcoming test, interview, speech, race, big event etc.
15. Restless Leg Syndrome
16. Poor sleeping posture- many people sleep in bad positions or on uncomfortable surfaces
17. Nutrition– lack of proper or sufficient nutrient, magnesium deficiency
18. Eating window- within two hours of bed time
19. Children or family obligations
20. Work– emails, phone calls
21. School– cramming for exams
22. Peer pressure– going out with friends, nothing good ever happens before midnight?
23. Obesity and or diabetes- related illness that inhibits natural sleep
24. Not believing in or having never experienced a truly restorative sleep! – chronic environmental sleep disturbances keep you from ever experiencing what it feels like to wake fully rested… once you taste that feeling, you will always try to find it again.

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Now for the part we have all been waiting for…

1. Get into a natural sleep routine

Let your circadian rhythm do the work for you! Wake up when the sun rises and go to bed when the sun sets around the same time each day.  This will allow your body to produce proper melatonin–the sleep hormone–before  its “usual” bed time, the core temperature to self-regulate itself and wake up feeling refreshed!

Additionally, receive great amounts of blue light using a Philips GoLite BLU or preferably full on sunlight for vitamin D in the morning after waking to stop the secretion of melatonin in the day time. Also, get rid of your alarm clock… check out the Philips Wake-Up Light to assist with a natural wake up or leave the blinds slightly open so you can wake with the sun as it slowly filters into your room.

Then, follow #2 to prevent melatonin from being blocked at night

2. Eliminate blue and green light before bed

Wear blue light blocking safety glasses within 2 hours of bed. You can find these on Amazon for around $8.  My girlfriend Jessica and I have them and it makes watching her favorite show before bed dorky, fun, and possible.  Also, it allows us to set our phone on airplane mode without being blasted with blue light before bed.

Download a blue light blocking app such as lux for your computer and devices. It’s very simple to navigate and free to download.  If you are comfortable jail breaking your iPhone it is possible to install f.lux onto your IPhone! You can also download an app called Twilight for your Android. Sorry Windows phone users, keep checking!

If possible, manage your day so that you don’t need to use your phone or technology within an hour or so before bed.

Keep your bedroom BLACKED OUT. Completely. No alarm clocks, night lights, street lights at all. Even tiny amounts of artificial light can interrupt your sleep patterns. Buy a blacked out window blind at the local hardware store to assist with blocking unwanted light from outside. Although not as effective as complete darkness, you can also wear a sleep mask.

Install several red light bulbs throughout your home- This helps reduce blue light exposure from even white light bulbs in your ceiling or lamp. We have one in the bathroom for late night potty breaks and a mandatory bed lamp for reading before bed.  On that note…

3. Read an autobiography or non-stimulating book before bed

Reading an actual old school turn the page book with a red light before bed is a great way to relax the brain, stop thinking about your exam, project, work, brilliant ideas etc. The great thing about an auto biography or biography is that unlike a fictional book or a creative thinking book, this will help shut your mind down rather than stimulate it.

4. Set the temperature to 68 degrees at night

Sleep like a hibernating bear. Keep your room cool and your comforter warm. If your core temperature becomes too hot your body will be restless and you will toss and turn all night.  Additionally, unless you are a baby, you can use a fan to create “white noise” which will drown out other disturbances and help you sleep “soundly.”  You can also buy a cooling mat such as the ComforPedic cool gel memory foam mattress topper.  Alternatively, you can sleep with a far infrared Biomat such as the Therasage Heating mat that has been shown to improve quality of sleep.  Additionally, take a hot/cold contrast shower (cold last) before bed to increase circulation and lower your body temperature to allow for a restful sleep .

5. Use a planner, Google Calendar, make a to-do list… become organized

I believe many of us want to sleep more but do not organize our time and make sleep a priority. It may be time to rewrite your priorities, get a new job, clean out the house, become a minimalist and use a calendar or planner. The more “things” we have in our lives the more obligated we are to use them… go without TV, movies, video games, unnecessary clothes… get rid of distractions in your life.  Also, you can use a journal to write down your thoughts and worries before bed rather than letting them simmer all night. Also, check out some of the ways successful people prepare for sleep here!

6. Take GABA and magnesium before bed and drink matcha green tea during the day

Gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) has been shown to regulate brain activity and has been dubbed “the brakes of the brain.” Taking GABA will decrease anxiety and those racing thoughts that are going through your head. Magnesium is a critical component of muscle relaxation that most Americans are deficient in. Take this before bed and you will have an overwhelming tiredness and sense of calm.  If you have restless leg syndrome, this is for you!  Drinking matcha green tea during the day is the best way to get L-Theanine which has been shown to calm brain activity, block unwanted hormones such as cortisol late at night and allow you to sleep deeper.

7. Stop eating, drinking alcohol, and drinking water within an hour and a half before bed- at least. Limit caffeine to before noon

Unless you have to eat and it is relatively low in sugar. For optimal sleep, you don’t want excess calories or insulin throwing your body temperature, blood sugar, and hormones off kilter.  If you must eat, try to stick to protein and some coconut milk/oil or similar healthy fats. Keep caffeine, to include coffee, tea, chocolate and energy drinks limited to before noon for the best sleep. Preferably, try not drinking alcohol at all and although it might put you to sleep faster, you will sleep better and deeper without alcohol.  For obvious reasons, try not to drink more liquid than your bladder can hold for over 8+ hours.  Even disrupted sleep such as going to the bathroom can be the same as no sleep if you cannot enter REM because you have to pee.

8. Use an app to track your sleep quality

This is one of my favorites because you can actually see your sleep patterns throughout the night and perform self-experiments with it. BUT, test it out to see if it really works for you, here are a few of the best ones…Fit Bit One, SleepBot, Sleep Cycle, Sleep As Android, Jawbone Up, Sleep Well, Withings Health Mate, Beddit, Motion X 24/7, Sleep Time, Smart Alarm Clock.

9. Exercise during the day, relax before bed

Exercising is one of the most simple yet effective ways of ensuring a good night sleep, even for insomniacs. However, exercise, especially intense exercise or activity before bed can be too stimulating and result in high cortisol levels and body temperature which may keep you awake in bed.  If you’re going to work out within an hour of bed time, keep it light or a few hours before bed.

10. Sleep with the right posture

 Sleep in a comfortable environment where you love your mattress, your pillow, your sheets, your comforter etc. Sleeping on your back is considered the best position according to most doctors because it puts your spine in a neutral position.  However, make sure you place a pillow underneath your knees to elevate your thighs and keep your low back flat on the mattress. This will help low back pain or prevent an arch in the back caused by stiff beds.   You can also sleep on your side with a pillow between your knees to keep your hips aligned and then place your head pillow between your arm and neck so that you are not crushing your shoulder.  This helps significantly with a good night sleep, don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself!

As always, prioritize your day to get at least 8 hours of sleep- don’t argue, just try it for at least two weeks and let us know how much better you feel. Make sleep a priority.  Schedule it into your day. Remember, we are each different, self-experimenting with your sleep habits will help you discover what works the best for you.

That’s all for now folks!  What prevents your from getting enough sleep or getting quality sleep? What biohacks do you use or recommend for a better, deeper, higher quality sleep?  We would love to hear from you, what keeps you up at night, and or what works for you!

Sweet dreams!

Vaughn

How To Live A Life Of Happiness

“Happiness is not ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

That is the answer; take action. If you want to read about how and why, keep reading!

In my experience, most humans instinctively want happiness but for some reason, few seem to posses it. Some say that the reason we are not truly happy is because we simply have not decided to be happy. I understand this perspective, but it is tough to just decide to be happy. It is hard to be happy when nothing seems to be going our way… the weather, work, relationships, food, money… is it possible to just decide to be happy when all seems wrong? Maybe, maybe not.

As far as I know it is humanly impossible to control the weather. Most of us have to wake up each morning to commute to a passionless, un-fulfilling job to make money. Many of us are stuck with bad friends or unhealthy relationships, ones we know are bringing us down. Humans cannot live without food. Certainly, it is hard to get by without money.

At what point do we decide what we have the ability to change and what we do not? What can we do about those things? Can we find happiness despite? Sometimes, as the Dalai Lama said, happiness is a result of our actions.

On the wall inside the bathroom of my parents house there is an old frame with a knitted quote that has been there for years. This quote has helped me take appropriate action when I am unhappy with my current situation:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” -Reinhold Niebuhr

All religious opinions aside, with whatever it is in your life that makes you unhappy, try to distinguish the things you can change from the things you cannot. If you can decipher the things that you have control over from the things you do not, I believe you understand one of the keys to happiness.

Sometimes we must make a conscious decision to be happy in situations we cannot change. However, to do so, we must also look deep inside and ask ourselves which things we can actually change. Is it possible to live somewhere else where the environment (community, socially, local leadership) and even the weather promote happiness? Can we find a way to support ourselves doing something we love instead of hating our jobs? Do we really need negative relationships in our life and are they more important than our happiness? Can we learn more about nutrition and food preparation that would lessen the stress and better our health each day? How much happiness does buying things and money really bring, are we living within our means, being financially responsible?

To give some ideas for how we can take action and create happiness, I’ve included the 2014 Gallup Healthway’s Well-Being Index results. While this is a well-being poll and not a happiness poll, I’m sure you will find that both qualities overlap and share similarities with each other. The poll found that the highest rates of well-being in the 100 most populous communities in the U.S. all have a few things in common. The factors that work together synergistically to promote well-being include:

• Purpose: liking what you do each day and being motivated to achieve your goals
• Social: having supportive relationships and love in your life
• Financial: managing your economic life to reduce stress and increase security
• Community: liking where you live, feeling safe and having pride in your community
• Physical: having good health and enough energy to get things done daily

I’m in agreement here. I’d even go further to say that physical should not just be having enough energy to get things done daily but having pride in our own and our family’s health.

Not surprisingly, there are some significant differences between the lowest well-being and highest well-being communities that can help us better understand why this gap exists. Check it out:

“Compared with residents of the highest well-being communities, residents of the lowest are 32% less likely to have someone in their lives encouraging them to make healthy choices. They are also 35% more likely to have experienced food insecurity in the last 12 months, 68% more likely to smoke, 26% more likely to be obese, 55% less likely to like what they do each day and 58% more likely to not feel pride in their community.” -Gallup

This seems to me to show quite a significant role of health and happiness in our over-all well-being. I know they play a role in my well-being and that of my friends and family. Statistics like these are the reason that I started this blog in the first place; I intend to change this.

At the end of the day, we have a choice. A choice to be happy despite the things we cannot control, or to let them bring us down and wait for happiness to find us. Much like Leo Babauta, popular blogger from zenhabits writes, many of us are waiting for the day when we can finally be happy. We can choose to be happy. And, we can take action… possibly even change the things we have no control over and reverse our position so that we do! We can change much more than we believe we can if we just have the courage to try.

I believe that by taking action we give ourselves more control over our lives and therefore, our happiness and over all well-being. Remember this:

“If you don’t have a plan, you become part of somebody else’s plan.” -Terence McKenna

If we don’t take action, we will quickly become part of someone else’s plan, and you’ll be lucky if it is exactly what you ever dreamed it would be! I try to plan out my life so that everyday I am setting myself and my family up for success, health, and happiness. This effectively gives me one quality already, purpose. In the process of this, I also (imperfectly of course) do my best to find contentment and happiness today no matter my situation.

What do we need to live a life of happiness? Action.

I will be writing more about how to live a life of happiness and expand on this in future posts, thank you for reading!

What do you believe makes us happy? What else would you add to Gallup’s list of well-being? Can we simply decide to be happy? How critical is our lifestyle to our happiness? How important is our health to our happiness? What about those things that are just a part of life, the things we have to do, should we be happy doing them? Is happiness over-rated?

Let me know by posting a comment!

In health,

Vaughn